Now we understand - page 2

A series of translations by Lisa Harvey who went to a 'free do put on by Computer Associates'.

"Change Management: We facilitate the efficient introduction of change to the production environment while ensuring that standard methods and procedures are followed to eliminate or minimise negative impacts to the business." My translation: "We change things to make things better."

"Configuration Management: We present a logical, current picture of the IT infrastructure and services by identifying, controlling, maintaining and verifying the versions of Configuration Items in existence as well as their relationships with each other and with the customers and services they support." My translation: "We know what technology we have and who uses it."

"Availability Management: We optimise the ability of the IT infrastructure; services and personnel to deliver agreed to and sustained levels of availability." My translation: "We do what we say we will do."

"Capacity Management: We ensure that cost-justifiable IT capacity always exists and that it is mapped to the current and future needs of the business." My translation: " We make sure we have enough technology."

"Release management: We take a holistic view of changes to ensure that all aspects of the change, both technical and non-technical, are considered together." My translation" "When we change something we know what will happen."

"Problem Management: We minimise the adverse impacts of incidents and problems on the business by identifying their underlying errors and preventing their recurrence." My translation: "We fix problems."

"Incident Management: We can restore normal levels of service as qucikly as possible and to minimise the adverse impact of Incidents on business operations." My translation: "We fix problems."

In response to this contribution:

I do have a problem with the section ‘free do by Computer Associates’. The problem is that Change Management, Configuration Management etc are a series of technical definitions for a system called Information Technology Infrastructure Library (ITIL). When used in the proper context (as they were at this presentation) they mean specific things for IT management. No one would have issue with the technical definition of a compiler, or a submission in the legal sense, so why should this be any different?

It would be certainly be a different story if someone were using these technical definitions in another context, but it simply looks like the submitter didn’t understand what she was listening to, and took this to mean that the words and phrases didn’t mean anything.Thanks, David Mutton

Not so much a translation as a description. From the novel by Terry Pratchett - Going Postal, about corporate fraudsters and assets stripping, in the chapter entitled 'Mission Statement':

p. 270. Spurred by the competition we are investing several hundred thousand dollars in a challenging, relevant and exciting systemic overhaul of our entire organization, focusing on our core competencies while maintaining full and listening co-operation with the communities we are proud to serve. We fully realize that our energetic attempts to mobilize the flawed infrastructure we inherited have been less than totally satisfactory, and hope and trust that our valued and loyal customers will bear with us in the coming months as we interact synergistically with change management in our striving for excellence. That is our mission.

- and the response by the hero, several pages later:

p. 277. It was garbage, but it had been cooked by an expert. Oh, yes. You had to admire the way perfectly innocent words were mugged, ravished, stripped of all true meaning and decency and then sent to walk the gutter for [the corporate robber], although 'synergistically' had probably been a whore from the start. [Thanks to Marion Diamond]

A new crew support vehicle
'This new asset to the San Remo Fire Brigade will replace the aging crew support vehicle and significantly enhance the viability to the rapidly expanding San Remo community and also provide timely response into nearby Phillip Island and outlying areas.' South Gippsland Sentinel Times, December 2004

Translation 'I think this means they have a new fire truck which will enable them to respond quickly and effectively to local fires.' [thanks to Simon Longstaff]

Further translation: 'Simon may think this means a new fire truck, but unfortunately a "crew support vehicle" and a "fire truck" are different things. [from Michael Gapper]

Sustainable development
'The object is to create a benchmark environmentally sustainable development with a focus on providing a unique and enjoyable lifestyle within a safe and relaxed environment.' Advertisement in South Gippsland Sentinel Times, December 2004

Translation 'I suspect they mean that the development will not harm the environment and will be a pleasant place for residents to live.' [thanks again to Simon Longstaff]

Announcement 1
Importantly, So and So's experience and standing with stakeholders will enable her to work effectively with industry, the community and across government to deliver improved and sustainable outcomes... Genevieve will commence in the role on 3 February 2005 and I am sure you will join me in welcoming her to DSE.

Translation
So and So will start work on 3 February 2005. She no doubt spouts big, kind of important-sounding and pompous (but ultimately meaningless) mouthfuls of words like we do Up Here. She'll be at home with us. No doubt at the interview when she started talking about 'critical challenges', 'depth of knowledge and insight', 'issues and challenges', 'delivery of services', 'effective implementation', 'range of', 'implementation of programs', 'initiation and facilitation ', 'stakeholders' etc, we all grew misty-eyed, sat up and scribbled hard in our folders. When she threw in 'strategic planning', 'enhancing outcomes' and 'enabling stakeholders', we knew she was a dead cert for the pozzie.

Genevieve is not only going to work with industry, she's going to work 'effectively' with industry. That's what we should all strive for. More and more adverbs in our written communications. [thanks to Andrew McKenna, who recently left the above department]

Announcement 2
'Information is the lifeblood of an organization. Information Integrity - ensuring that information is always secure and highly available across the enterprise - is what your company requires to manage your business with confidence.

Given this requirement, I am pleased to inform you that on December 16, 2004, VERITAS, the world leader in Storage Software and Symantec, the world leader in Information Security, announced entry into a merger agreement. The combined company will be named Symantec and will be uniquely capable of delivering measurable value to you by providing a complete suite of security, storage, availability, and performance management solutions.'

Translation: The announcment was forwarded with a message from an Australian IT manager: 'Veritas + Symantec merged, unclear what that means for support.' [Thanks to David Murchland]

Emergency Management Planning Framework
The Emergency Management Plan requires a framework to focus direction in order to develop a strategy to achieve the goals of the plan.' A Victorian public service guide to writing emergency plans.

Translation 'The emergency plan needs to be well written, if it is to work effectively.' [Anonymous]

Yes Minister
Sir Humphrey is trying to tell Jim Hacker that he cannot upset the Tobacco Companies, because he has been entertained by them:

'Notwithstanding the fact that the proposal could conceivably encompass certain concomitant benefits of a marginal and peripheral relevance, there is a consideration of infinitely superior magnitude involving your personal complicity and corroborative malfeasance, with the consequence that the taint and stigma of your former associations and diversions could irredeemably and irretrievably invalidate your position and culminate in public revelations and recriminations of a profoundly embarrassing and ultimately indefensible character.'

Hacker asks for a précis. 'There’s nicotine on your hands,' replies Sir Humphrey.' Yes Prime Minister: 'The Smoke Screen' by Anthony Jay and Jonathan Lynn.UK, BBC, 1986 [ Thanks to Peter Yudkin]

Now we understand page 1