All cartoons © Bruce Petty.
In the beginning
When Don Watson wrote Death Sentence (in UK - Gobbledygook, Atlantic, in US - Death Sentences, Gotham Books) a torrent of letters and emails began from people rebelling against managerial language and in July 2004 this website was facilitated going forward.
Send in a quote
Send in your examples of management jargon (we may edit for space). Please make sure you include your contact details as well as details about where your submission came from, the date and who was the culprit.
Please note, unless you request confidentiality, your name will appear under your contribution. Send your weasel words to: firstname.lastname@example.org. Anything published on this site is fair comment.
Roadmap for Reform Implementation Advisory Group
'Last week a cross-sector working group met, and we're now working together to draft a potential protocol for Victoria, under the watch of the Roadmap for Reform Implementation Advisory Group. We're thrilled with the progress and would love if a protocol were finalised and launched this year.' Victoria Legal Aid, 25 January, 1917. Thanks to Adrian.
Never said invited, no, never ...
'Never said we were invited, just that we had 'invitations' and 'were gifted tickets' ... 'Received' an invite and 'invited' are very different things.' One Nation Senator Roberts on social media after the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade confirmed he had repeatedly sought an invitation to the ceremony through Australian officials. The Age, 19 January, 2017.
Activate your scenarios and leverage private sector investment
Implementation of the master plan, to achieve the aspired vision ...includes:
1. Design and development parameters to ensure the conservation and appropriate adaptive reuse of the park’s heritage buildings.
2. Activation scenarios for investment at the park’s Quarantine Station and modelling of different activation scenarios.
3. Cost planning, outlining by category and priority the master plan’s key initiatives.
4. Catalyst projects: identifying projects that can achieve significant social return and can leverage private sector investment in support facilities and services.
5. A cost and benefit analysis of the master plan’s key initiatives, including economic and employment opportunities, Traditional Owner benefits and environmental and social outcomes.
6. Governance criteria for the Quarantine Station’s future management arrangement.
Point Nepean National Park Draft Master Plan Summary Document, Parks Victoria. Thanks to Brian Simpson.
Growing customers at Telstra:
Telstra needs a strategic customer insights lead to help focus on enhancing customer lifetime value
'Telstra is gearing up to build a crack team of big data analysts as it prepares for what one commentator says will be the biggest year to date of NBN migration with 1.7m fixed line customers expected to be up for grabs.
The telco is advertising in Melbourne for a “strategic customer insights lead” to join a so-called “customer value creation team” that is tasked with “understanding our existing customers through quality, data-led insights and designing & delivering compelling offers that speak to our Consumer & Small Business customers in the right way, at the right time and through the right channels that achieve tangible results.”
“As the Growing Our Customers Lead, you will working [sic] closely with analysts within your team in an effort to turn key customer insights into tested hypotheses which result in customer-led activity throughout our Consumer and Small Business channels,” the Telstra advertisement says.
“To achieve this, you'll work closely across Telstra (Product, Marketing, Big Data, Channels) in order to identify current and future customer value, understand need within specific customer micro-segments and capitalise on strategic market opportunities to deliver value. Working within the Growing Our Customers segments, you'll be strategically focused on specific customer episodes, such as Retention, Moves, Saves and Win Backs.”
“We've set up our Customer Value Creation team to focus on enhancing customer lifetime value through discovering quality, data-focused insights on our customer population and designing & delivering tailored offerings that benefit both sides of these relationships,” Telstra adds.' At Telstra, we believe in driving value from the core ... Thanks to David Epstein.
'Planning authorities and responsible authorities should endeavour to integrate the range of policies relevant to the issues to be determined and balance conflicting objectives in favour of net community benefit and sustainable development for the benefit of present and future generations’ ([Victorian] State Planning Policy Framework Clause 10.04).' Thanks to anonymous.
Two days 'facilitation of leadership activities' = $50,000
One of the costs at an Australian Taxation Conference 'to "reinvent its technology team just weeks before a crash brought down the agency's website and internal systems.' The Age, 17 December, 2016.
Vision, purpose, values ...
'Our Vision: Adviser of choice to the world's minerals industry
Our Purpose:To optimize the value of the world's mineral resources
Our Values: ... we are client-focused ...we act with integrity ...
AMC Consultants, 13th South Australian Exploration and Mining Conference, 2 December 2016. Thanks to John who told us he was reading Don Watson's Death Sentence on the flight to the conference and nearly fainted when this this came up on the screen.
'Asset recycling' - privatisation
'It also follows a bitter stoush over the federal asset recycling initiative following a decision by the Commonwealth to deny Victoria the full 15 per cent incentive payment for the $9.7 billion Port of Melbourne sale.' The Age 21 November, 2016.
'flywheel of reinvestment' - privatisation
'Creating a flywheel of institutional capital participation to increase investments in infrastructure... We believe that Canada can create a flywheel of reinvestment in its infrastructure by catalyzing the participation of institutional capital in existing assets...'Advisory Council on Economic Growth (Canada)
Consultation, sort of, maybe, in a broad sense ...
'In the end, he [Australian Attorney General George Brandis] told a Senate inquiry the dispute between the two officers turned on a narrow definition of the word "consultation" (Gleeson's) compared with a broader definition of the word (his).' Mark Kenny, Fairfax Media, 25 October, 2016. The other officer was the Solicitor-General, Justin Gleeson, who is the first Australian solicitor-general to resign in 100 years. Thanks to Ric Sandblom.
'... corporate jargon about values has absolutely no relationship with firm performance.'
'Most companies have mission and vision statements, but those tend to communicate very little about a company’s purpose ...They all use the same words, such as ‘respect’, ‘teamwork’ and ‘innovation’ but … a recent study found that corporate jargon about values has absolutely no relationship with firm performance.' Researchers George Serafeim and Claudine Gartenberg at Harvard Business Review in 'Drive your company’s ‘purpose’ to boost business', HC Online, 25 October, 2016. And what led to '... superior accounting and stock market performance'? - management having 'a clear view of where the organisation is going and how to get there'. Quelle suprise!
'I know we’ve been experiencing some pain points with some of our systems...' Vice Chancellor, La Trobe University in an address to staff. Thanks to anonymous.
'Here’s an introduction to the state of play for millennials, their perils and pain points, and how brands can use this insight to reposition their marketing ... Brands need to leverage the millennial mindset – and do it authentically.' The Mongrel.
XERA Pain Point Eliminator TM.
The goal was to start an initial conversation around framing the key issues facing COAG going forward.
Quote from Acting PMC Secretary Andrew Tongue's all staff message titled Tongue in cheek, 9 September, 2016. In reference to the first COAG Senior Officials meeting held on 2 September. Thanks to anonymous.
Pipeline of accelerator-ready social enterprises
'Social Traders will deliver 16 Social Enterprise Ideation [their italics] events ... Designed to strengthen the pipeline of accelerator-ready social enterprises through the facilitation of idea creation and generation, Managing Director David Brookes said, “Engaging regional and metropolitan Victoria through social enterprise provides a positive opportunity to encourage local entrepreneurship to solve some of the most-hard pressed existing social problems with new solutions”.' Media release: LaunchVic funding to create employment through social enterprise, 29 August, 2016. Thanks to anonymous.
The Quality and Communications team will now report to the Manager, Partnerships and Engagement (previously Partnerships and Campuses) ...
'(We) have undertaken a review of the position of Deputy Director, Strategy and Planning. As a result of this review, reporting lines for some of the Strategy and Planning team will change. The Quality and Communications team will now report to the Manager, Partnerships and Engagement (previously Partnerships and Campuses), with a title change for this position to recognise the broader community and industry engagement strategies of the university. The Manager, Partnerships and Engagement will now report to the Deputy Director, Learning and Engagement (previously Deputy Director, Learning and Teaching). The Digital Experience team will also report to the Deputy Director, Learning and Engagement, and the Copyright Advisor will report to the Deputy Director, Research and Collections. A new position will be established: Manager, Library Business Services. This position will have responsibility for coordinating the Library's budget preparation and day to day management of the budget; overseeing the integration of relevant University activities and projects into the Library via the Finance, ICT, Infrastructure and Operations and Human Resources business partners; leading the implementation of the Library's space planning strategy and facilities standards at all campuses, including sponsorship of facilities projects; developing best practice human resource management practices and workforce planning for the library; and providing strategic advice on risk management in the Library, including business continuity planning and OHS. The Facilities team and the Administration team will report to the Manager, Library Business Services, along with a new part-time Executive Officer position.' Email from the La Trobe University Librarian to library staff. Thanks to anonymous.
A MORE INNOVATIVE AND AGILE AUSTRALIA
'New ideas in innovation and science will be major drivers of Australia’s future economic prosperity. We are working with other government agencies ... as they develop and implement initiatives that encourage innovation and increase our nation’s productivity and competitiveness...
As in: 'I haven't had any visibility on that'. Replacement for 'I don't know', used in meetings at a NSW TAFE. Thanks to anonymous.
Solution Consultant - can you translate your system functionality?
'The Solution Consultant is an integral part of the Business Technology Partner team, and will work closely with the Business Technology Partner, Business Analyst and Consulting Architect to build trusted business relationships and deliver innovative technology solutions. Leading the translation of complex business requirements into technical solutions the Solution Consultant supports the Architecture & Business Roadmaps by utilising a breadth of skills covering business analysis, consulting, problem solving, solution design and basic project management in their day to day operations. Specific accountabilities include:
Leading high level business requirements identification and translation into system functionality using a range of techniques as required.' Job ad at RMIT. Thanks to Mark Eggins.
Events and the Australian census
'The events varied in nature and severity ... the following confluence of events occurred ...At the time of these events ... Had these events occurred in isolation ... ASD are investigating these events ... Following the Census, there will be a review of events.' 2016 Census - 9 August online form outage update.
Measureable life outcomes
'New programs for the homeless link taxpayer funding to outcomes, making service providers more accountable for the impacts their programs have on those they seek to serve ... In contrast, Pay For Success means government funding is tied to measureable life outcomes.' Matthew Tyler, economist, The Drum, ABC, 4 August, 2016. Thanks to Robert Boot.
Value creation: a methodology to drive primary health care
'The Partners in Recovery program: mental health commissioning using value co-creation ... Co-creation entails a new vision of value creation through a shift in thinking about the co-creators of value networks, and the entire value of ecosystems.' Medical Journal of Australia (MJA), 8 April 2016. Thanks to Meredith.
Your taxes at work - at the Australian Tax Office (ATO)
'As part of our response to the recommendations in the June 2015 report of the Post implementation review of ATO consultative arrangements, the Not-for-profit Advisory Group will now be known as the Not-for-profit Stewardship Group.
The name change does not alter the purpose of the group, and we continue to support its excellent work ...
The 2013 Review applied the Australian Government Consultation Principles in assessing the effectiveness and utility of the consultative arrangements the ATO then had in place. Those principles, and now part of the Regulator performance framework, were used in this review to assess the effectiveness of the ATO’s consultative arrangements ...
The aim of the Framework is to encourage regulators to undertake their functions with the minimum impact necessary to achieve regulatory objectives and to effect positive ongoing and lasting cultural change within regulators.' Thanks to anonymous.
Brexit is a 'heartbreaking wake-up call' – and other meaningless political clichés used this week
'When I heard this, I reached for my trusty copy of Watson’s Dictionary of Weasel Words, Contemporary Clichés, Cant and Management Jargon, the Australian-authored manual of verbal sewage, published in Sydney 12 years ago and essential reading for all readers and listeners.
And sure enough, there is “challenge”, on page 61: supposedly a call to fight or “things to do” – like defeating Osama bin Laden or solving a crossword puzzle – but in reality a cliché of politesse and big business. As in, “fiscally challenged” (which the UK certainly is), or something to be done to meet “challenging customer requirements”.' Robert Fisk in The Independent, 30 June, 2016.
Core Business Improvement Program (CBIP) explained, sort of...
As you are all aware, a high performing, efficient and professional organisation is built on a culture of continuous improvement. As the Department of XXXX (System Manager and Corporate Services Bureau) grows in maturity, improvements in a range of functions are needed to build on existing capability. This means a new way of doing business – doing business smarter, to best meet client needs. To achieve this, the Core Business Improvement Program (CBIP) has been established to identify, manage, deliver and monitor improvement initiatives.
Work has already commenced to consider a range of opportunities for improvement and moving forward, these will be formalised through formal project management arrangements. The System Manager Leadership Group agreed that the following projects would be the initial priorities under CBIP:
1. Grant Management Review: identify opportunities to improve efficiencies in grants management to establish clear governance, to ensure consistency in methodologies and economies of scale.
2. Improving Procurement through Category Management Rationalisation: delivering procurement and contract improvement opportunities.
3. Revenue Collection Cost Management: maximising revenue opportunities.
We are pleased to announce that XX has commence in the role of Project Director (CBIP) as of today. It’s great to have XX back from leave; her considerable experience and expertise in policy development and program management will be invaluable in progressing CBIP and the priority projects.
Once XX has had a chance to familiarise herself with the CBIP and develop her thinking on the details of program design and implementation, she will be looking to involve many of you in discussions about the individual projects and to explore the contribution you might be able to make. Please take full advantage of any opportunity to participate in this important work, and we know that XX will appreciate your support in her new role.' Thanks to PM who works in this government department.
What the Australian Productivity Commission calls books.
Catalysts shaking the innovation trees
'In this feature, TIME explores individuals who are truly breaking through the clutter of the next big thing and serving as catalysts in a meaningful way, on a larger scale. Sure, a start-up can embody innovation but what about the change makers within corporations who are shaking innovation trees? What does it take to sustain that spirit?'
Innovative solutions to complex multi-stakeholder problems
'Holly Ransom is the CEO of Emergent, a company specialising in the development of high performing intergenerational workforces, leadership and social outcomes. Holly is renowned for generating innovative solutions to complex multi-stakeholder problems ...
Convening relevant internal and external leaders and facilitating the development of a pragmatic organizational strategy.
Mapping macro trends and providing key market research insights to develop a critical understanding of your organisation’s operating reality.
Building the capability of leaders to navigate change and achieve personal and collective success.' Thanks to Leigh.
end-to-end student experience ... deep-dive review
'Additionally, to ensure a best in class end-to-end student experience is delivered with clarity of focus, a deep-dive review of a discrete set of student support activities will be progressed.' From a university. Thanks to Karen.
Socialising the document
'From reading the document, I can see that a lot of effort that has gone into this deliverable. I think we are not far away from getting this to a point where we can socialise [the document] to a wider audience however, we need to strike a balance between having a framework and something that is a lot more descriptive ...' Thanks to Sandra who says that she'd be more amendable to socialising the document by taking it to the pub for a few beers, some games of pool and then a kebab at 3 am.
Unique improved paradigm from management consultants at PricewaterhouseCooper
'PwC’s strategy consulting team Strategy& provides a level of operations expertise unique among general management consulting providers ... We help clients across a range of service industries develop and implement an improved paradigm for managing complexity. Product architectures that maximize the commonalities and minimize the differences help describe the product or service in a way that is extremely useful in both the innovation and delivery streams. The business is simplified by facilitating alignment of the support infrastructure in the delivery stream through focused technologies and processes, and engineered through tailored business streams that segment the "process" support infrastructure typically around stability, predictability, or difficulty.' Thanks to anonymous.
Revenue measures = tax increases?
'[Australian] Federal Finance Minister Mathias Cormann said "revenue measures" did not equate to tax increases."That is a complete misrepresentation of what the Treasurer has actually said," Senator Cormann told RN Drive.' ABC, 14 April, 2016. Thanks to Ric Sandblom.
Can you plagiarise this rubbish?
'... he [Anthony Hamlet] described himself as a transformational leader “charged with identifying the needed change and creating a vision to guide the change through inspiration.” That is a verbatim definition of the term “transformational leadership” provided on Wikipedia. The Wikipedia entry cites BusinessDictionary.com as the original source.' 'New Pittsburgh schools leader caught plagiarizing', TribLive, 8 June 2016. Thanks to Chris Zurawsky.
Not tax avoidance, according to Mossack Fonseca. Thanks to Ric.
Scalable shared values ... catalyse an enriched future
'Partnerships will target the achievement of the key objective to Create scalable shared value partnerships that advance economic and social conditions in developing countries.' Ad for Short-Term Business Advisors for the Business Partnerships Platform, 'established to enable businesses to partner with DFAT', at Palladium who 'aim to catalyse an enriched future for all.' Thanks to George Farrell.
'The Centre’s Professional Learning Framework, provides the basis of design for the Professional Learning program which consists of full day and half day workshops, seminars, webinars and networks delivered by highly skilled and experienced facilitators in a range of national, state and regional locations. Some learning activities are online and all have an applied learning approach, encouraging VET professionals to embed new ideas and practices in the workplace.
VET Development Centre: Building Workforce Capability
Lessons will be learnt
'What a mealy-mouthed statement that is. How often and with how much ease does it trip from the tongue of anyone in authority seeking to avoid blame for a scandal?
None of the usual suspects involved, be they government ministers, councillors, social workers, police officers or the heads of this or that hopeless public entity, ever says, “I” or “We have learnt our lesson.” Instead the lesson has been learnt in the abstract by person or persons unknown.
This phrase and others, in a similarly weasel-like form, has been bandied around in the newspapers quite often this past week as a number of scandals resurfaced or were dragged out into the open ...
"Dame Janet Smith’s report will be invaluable in helping us understand what happened and to help ensure that we do everything possible to avoid it happening again.” My italics.
No apologies, no real remorse.
Just 39 weasel words that add up to the same disgraceful get-out for all those who want to slide away from their responsibilities: lessons will be learnt.
A few years ago David Cameron came up with a proposal to reduce the number of time wasting and obstructive organisations: The Bonfire Of The Quangos. But it never happened because so many Establishment figures love to slope off to these well-paid and protected posts.
But it is time to revive this idea in the form of a Bonfire Of The Bureaucrats.
There are far too many of these corpulent, responsibility-shirking, buck-passing mandarins and middle-managers in every area of public life.
Clear them all out and let skilled professionals do their jobs.
Only then will the lesson have been learnt.' 'A word from the editor: No lessons have been learnt', Martin Townsend, 24 January, 2016, Sunday UK Express.
Spot the weaselling.
"Clearly there have been some negative stories about various players in the industry and that's really unfortunate because it does damage people's trust in the community." (Brian Hartzer, Westpac CEO).
The Australian Bankers' Association chief executive, Steven Munchenberg, defended the banks, saying they were addressing "legitimate concerns" regarding inappropriate behaviour and misconduct.
"The industry knows that ensuring the integrity of the banking system is vital for all participants, including customers and banks themselves. Banks support the core of the economy and highly value their social license to operate ... Banks will continue to work with regulators to address any legitimate concerns with inappropriate behaviour or misconduct," Mr Munchenberg said.
"Banks have shown in the past they will act when they are made aware of behaviour contrary to their values and codes of conduct," he said. The Age April 7, 2016.
Children attempt to decipher management jargon
'Phrase: Blue-sky thinking. One child explains: 'I might feel really happy and then the sky might feel really happy but if I feel sad or something like that the sky maybe started raining.' Daily Mail, 4 April, 2016.
Value uplift in terms of innovative funding model
'That is where areas around the particular area of the infrastructure project get to pay a contribution, because they get value uplift in terms of their properties, in terms of their businesses,' Acting Queensland Premier Jackie Trad 'who says one of the "innovative funding models" being considered to help pay for a second river rail crossing in Brisbane is "value capture", similar to that used for London's Crossrail, which takes advantage of increased property values in areas surrounding the infrastructure project.' Brisbane Times, 8 April, 2016. Thanks to anonymous.
Someone on LinkedIn. Thanks to Mark.
'eliminating all capability' of its climate change research programs, [suggesting axing 120 climate science staff] If we aim for less we will inevitably face the problem of keeping some of the climate scientists (who will no longer be aligned with the new CSIRO strategy).' Larry Marshall, new head of CSIRO. 'No 'science for science sake': emails show CSIRO plans to cut climate research', The Age, 5 April, 2016.
Key stakeholder support
Be precise, be professional! A comprehensive course on Business Case Writing will let you present your ideas in a way that will grant you stakeholder support.
- How to define a project
- How to communicate a business case effectively in writing
- How to identify and compare costs and advantages of alternative solutions to the problem
- How to apply risk assessment techniques to forecast and mitigate impending problems
- How to work out alternative solutions, based on critical factors
- How to gain the support from key stakeholders
We break things down. We iterate. We grow. We pour ourselves into making beautiful and functional products that help people carry better.
'We’re after a a true content maestro... At Bellroy, we’re non-stop trying to effect positive change on a global scale. As a B Corp, we believe business can be a force for good. We want to help the world, our customers, and our team flourish ... And the voice that wraps around our products and brand needs to do the same. We need you to help us tell our stories and increase our reach ... WE KNOW WE’RE AFTER A UNICORN...As a forever student of Communication and Brand, you have an exceptional ability to make a brand’s voice sing across a variety of content types and channels. And like the hair-on-fire communications pioneer that you are, you study broadly and with a genuine curiosity for new media, cultural movements and the drivers of audience engagement.' For more of this, a lot more, pour yourself into this job ad. Bellroy make wallets. Thanks to Eleanor.
Pivoting into oblivion
'...we pivoted and communicated to our 50,000 users that we had bigger fish to try ...we decided to build tech to strengthen social relationships and facilitate trust.' SnapGoods Twitter account, from 'Good riddance, gig economy: Uber, Ayn Rand and the awesome collapse of Silicon Valley’s dream of destroying your job' by Steven Hill, Salon.com, 28 March, 2016. According to article Snapgoods went out of business in 2012 but is still cited as a good example of the share economy.
Big piece of leverage
‘The sun coming up tomorrow will be a big piece of leverage.’ US Emergency Services manager on ABC radio during the January 2016 blizzard.
Health and Wellbeing partnerships
or '... research and individuals that had received financial support from Coca-Cola, dating back to 2010 ... Over the last five years, we have provided $1,718,970 to fund health and wellbeing scientific research and health and wellbeing partnerships.' 'Our actions to be transparent, Coca-Cola. Thanks to Ric.
Marketing is marketing...
'Sukotash has experience developing products and ensuring success in the healthcare, financial and educational markets. But, working with companies like Mallinckrodt Pharmaceuticals, American Express Incentive Services and the University of Missouri, we've found that marketing is marketing.' Thanks to Mark.
Agile and Scrum: deliverables, lifecycle ...
'A substantially easy to handle methodology which advocates iterative development, to achieve a proper outcome, Agile and Scrum has gained popularity by the sheer virtue of the quality of deliverables it produces. Our 8 hours training on Agile and Scrum provide an overview of the agile project lifecycle and help the participants to understand what happens at the project, release, iteration, and daily levels within the entire lifecycle.
Register today and gain from our special Early Bird Offer'.
'Given its location, the property could potentially support a number of different uses including, among others, the creation of innovative space to support new collaborations among faculty, students, and partners inside or outside the region.' Art Ramicone, senior vice chancellor, chief financial officer, and interim senior executive vice chancellor for business and operations, University of Pittsburgh. 'Pitt to buy former Syria Mosque property from UPMC for $10 million', Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 24 February, 2016. Thanks to anonymous.
Utilising four pillars for value creation...
'HIP V. HYPE is an entrepreneurial design firm utilising design thinking to resolve intuitive solutions to project delivery and value creation. We use our unique perspective on business, process and technical knowledge as a tool to enable designers and consultants to do what they do best. Our operations focus around FOUR PILLARS: DEVELOPMENT. DESIGN. SUSTAINABILITY. RESEARCH.' Seen in a window in Melbourne.
Phase 1: Architect
'We will take the time to understand your business strategy and how learning can help make you better and different. We’ll ensure buy in and will challenge you to get the right people onboard. We’ll make sure that your plan is clear, that your people are aligned and your numbers stack up. We will ensure the foundation is secure before we create a learning solution for your business...
Phase 4: Engage
This is where rubber hits the road. We’ll help you to drive the program into the hearts and minds of your people at all levels, and align to your business calendar. We will adapt and flex with your business needs. Business doesn’t stand still, and neither can you or us.' Latitude Learning Academy. Thanks to Mark Eggins.
'Take personal responsibility for delivering high quality customer interactions ... This role is a face to face customer service/sales based role - more commonly known as a bank teller.' ANZ job ad.
Embedding innovation in sewerage
'Taking water and sewerage services into the future. We are embedding innovation into the DNA of our business to deliver a better future for our communities and environment.' Urban Utilities, Brisbane. Thanks to Nairn Hindhaugh who comments: '... all we want them to do is give us fresh water and remove our pee and poo and if embedding innovation into the DNA does it, so be it!'
Always by your side. Create your true values. Sign on an ATM.
Employee spying for a 'smart organisation'
'"we regret if any staff within any of our client workspaces have not received communication in advance of an OccupEye deployment and thus had unfounded concerns – we can only reassure those people that they have nothing to fear from our system ... quite the opposite, they are working for a smart organisation". Statement issued after workers at Daily Telegraph in UK found tracking devices under their desks. Sydney Morning Herald, 13 January, 2016. Thanks to John Williams.
Sweat the footprint
'There was “sweat the footprint”, leaving one fearing athlete’s foot. There was a banker who was “pregnant with the deal”. There was “wet bench testing” and “merchant stickiness”. But the soaraway winner was “executive brownout” brought to us by the Harvard Business Review.' 'Time to get stoked by the year’s worst corporate guff' by Lucy Kellaway, Financial Times, 3 January 2016.
As in: 'She is currently pregnant to an alternative paternity.' From a psychologist's report. Thanks to Jock.
'Empower team members to create solutions to overcome impediments to teams [sic] performance ... Compellingly champion the importance of enhancing the student experience ... Promote Swinburne’s service culture by sharing examples of great student and stakeholder experiences... and ... Demonstrate commitment to University decisions and initiatives by pro-actively cascading messages to team members and encouraging open discussion.' Thanks to anonymous.
Customer service gesture
What Victorian Public Transport officials give someone after their on the spot fine as been reviewed. Treasure Jennings, Victorian Public Transport Ombudsman, ABC Radio, 20 November, 2015. Thanks to Alan who asks: 'Is that a refund?' Alan also heard an invitation to a 'seasonal one off pop up' on ABC radio and wonders if it's another term for an invitation to a Christmas party.
Progressive loosening of earmarking
'... this focus on results was critical to the successes ... as it has allowed the progressive loosening of earmarking as focus moved from input monitoring to results monitoring.' Only a consultant could come up with this. Thanks to George.
Rebranding, bold vision, new positioning ...
'As you have already heard, news of our recent brand changes has been creating quite the buzz around Western Sydney! With a bold vision for our future, the University is rebranding with a new positioning that affirms our place in Western Sydney and the world. Our new identity reflects the pride we take in our place, our role in the community, and our growing international reach and reputation as a student-centered and research-led university.' Alumni Manager, University of Western Sydney - no - it's now Western Sydney University. Thanks to Ian.
Innovative children's lifestyle brands
'eeni meeni miini moh® + e3-M® are innovative children’s lifestyle brands driven by a team of creative-minded people committed to delivering a contemporary yet timeless product of the highest standard ... Our vision at eeni meeni miini moh® / e3-M® is to continue to be recognized as a premium children’s lifestyle brand for our inherent design language and individual presence ... From global inspiration we create innovative, practical, contemporary products that reflect the lifestyle and attitude of today’s urbane child.' Thanks to Sue Wighton who saw this sign in Brisbane.
`I’ve made it perfectly clear to local government that failure in that space is unacceptable and if there were to be failure in that space then obviously the state government would have to take action.' Tasmanian Treasurer, Peter Gutwein, The Examiner, 19 May, 2015. Thanks to Peter.
Leading edge and innovative communications expert
'Engage a specialist, leading edge and innovative communications expert (who is firstly and foremostly a communications expert rather than from a town planning background) to assist Council in conducting further effective ‘plain-English’ community conversations in relation to the proposed new zones.' Monash Council staff can't explain amendments to their planning scheme. Monash Council Meeting minutes, 27 October, 2015.
Student Recruitment 2.0'Learn how you can use webinars to recruit new students.
All throughout this month, we will be hosting special online sessions about new ways to reach international students as part of the recruitment strategy. In this Online Coffee Break we will comment some of the new tendencies in student recruitment 2.0 as well as how to generate quality leads through online open days.
Learn how leading universities such as Sorbonne Paris, IE Business School, Karolinska Institutet & the University of Stellenbosch Business School have benefited from these methods. Don't miss it!'
Student Recruitment Webinars. Thanks to Mark.
VP Academic Relationships and Knowledge Architecture.
Job title. Thanks to Mark.
Proven innovator needed to find the signal in the noise
'Storyful combines proprietary technology and expert journalism into a human algorithm. ...The biggest agencies and brands across the globe now look to Storyful to provide authentic, user-generated content and intelligence on a daily basis to inform marketing strategies and future business decisions ... The Australia Editor will be an experienced editorial leader adept at finding the signal in the noise and directing a newsroom’s daily coverage. They will also be a proven product leader and innovator.' Storyful.com. Thanks to Mark Eggins.
'I've had the new upgraded [Woolworths] 'REWARDS' for now a few weeks and have earned a whopping accumulation saving of $4.80 on an amount of shopping in excess of $1000.00…(previous returns of 80+ dollars.)' From a disgruntled user of the Woolworths Rewards program. Michael Pascoe in the Business Age on 9 December, 2015 suggests the boardroom meeting on this 'upgrade' went something like this: 'The loyalty card is costing a lot of money and not driving consumers to buy the stock we really want to get rid of. What's worse, Qantas is making lots of money out of it – and if there's one thing we at Woolworths hate more than Coles and Aldi, it's suppliers making more than a subsistence living. So let's change the card by dumping Qantas and only offering an incentive to buy the stuff we're desperate to flog. We'll call it an "upgrade" and no one will ever notice that it's not.'
I'm a game changer
'There's a plague afflicting offices around the world and we've all heard its symptoms: ideation, creavation, low-hanging fruit, and blue-sky thinking. It's corporate jargon—and it needs to die. But there's hope: Pentagram is crusading against all the cliches and doublespeak, first by skewering corporate jargon in its 2014 holiday card and now in a new rap video.' Fast Company, 8 December, 2015.
Moving with enterprise
'We came here with a plan to be physical in a football sense and put pressure on the opposition. We wanted to move the ball with enterprise.' West Adelaide Football Club coach. The Advertiser, 27 September, 2015. Thanks to Tom.
Clinical interventionist practitioner
What you become after completing a Master of Clinical Teaching at the University of Melbourne where you 'Discover the latest evidence based research and learn how it can change your teaching to enhance learning and development outcomes'. Thanks to Mark.
On-boarding a professional with keen stakeholder engagement capabilities
'Join a leading organisation that provides the vision and the implementation of key developmental programs focused on domestic policies. This Communications branch is looking to on-board a project manager that can facilitate a re-development of the organisation’s website.
To help execute a key project within the digital team; a new role has been identified for a project manager to engage with business areas to plan and develop content that will be featured on their central digital channel. This is a unique role for a professional with keen stakeholder engagement capabilities, and the ability to drive outcomes with strong organisational skills.' Ad on Seek.com. Thanks to Margot.
Multi-pronged innovation model
'We dissected the Linkin Park ecosystem and architected a framework to execute our new long-term vision. We restructured Machine Shop, moving it from a brand agency model to a multi-pronged innovation model based on four verticals: video content, global brand partnerships, merchandise, and venture capital.' Kiel Berry, Executive Vice President of Machine Shop. From 'The riff: Linkin Park and Harvard turn the jargon up to 11', Financial Times, 24 June, 2014.