Corporations (previous quotes now in a PDF file)

'The approach of offering unique, exclusive experiences has the most potential to enhance the sense of intimacy in the relationship and give people reasons to stay in that relationship with that brand that are not just about offering things cheaper, but are about offering them a better experience. It should feel like something that you've earned. It should feel like recognition, not a gift — that's a key emotional distinction.' FutureBrand managing director Tim Riches describing Myer One loyalty card. Chief executive Bernie Brookes describes it this way:
'You give them a glass of champagne and they'll buy an extra dress.' The Age, 11 May.

'This Bus shelter is privately owned. any person graffiting it will be prosecuted.' On a bus stop in Subiaco, WA. Thanks to Helen Shannon.

'... a discussion home for the printing and graphic communications industry to provide a vendor-agnostic space for industry-focused exchange.' Thanks to anonymous who works at the discussion home of Fuji Xerox and says: 'I am ashamed and need a shower'.

'Winston Sammut, of Maxim Asset Management, said: "Westfield has been the icon of the sector and I guess it is moving in the right direction in terms of coming into line with what is happening with valuations around the world."  The Age reported the icon was coming into line in terms of 'spiralling consumer confidence and the implosion of the global economy'.  Age 28 Jan.

'Yarra Trams chief executive Dennis Cliche said although his company had increased profits, it had also poured money back into the system.' Cuts on track as trams profit, The Melbourne Age.

Hamburgers reconfigured? 
'Beef patties and hamburgers are two different products, so it's not valid to compare their fat contents'. Coles spokesman after a study found their cheap Smart Buy hamburger patties had 20 per cent more saturated fat in them than their dearer You'll Love Coles beef patties, though both are labelled with a tick very like the Heart Foundation's logo.  But Coles conceded that the level of trans fat in some of its oils was too high and promised to remove the "cholesterol free" logo and reconfigure the products over the next few months. Well, perhaps not so much the products as the description of them - the imagery. The spokeman denied that the tick was ever intended to suggest their fatty foods were approved by the Heart Foundation, but announced that "...under the new Coles management team our house-brand imagery is being progressively redesigned, and the tick will not be part of the new packaging." The Melbourne Age 17 January 2009

‘At USAID, partnerships are the way to do business. Partnerships enhance efficiency and effectiveness, rationalize division of labour and maximize synergy', said Robin Mardeusz from the United States Agency for International Development (USAID). He highlighted one of the major benefits of the partnerships in providing multi-action innovative solutions.'

'Buy and sell livestock on a buy and sell basis.' Heard by Hal on 'Rural Focus', Radio West.

We look forward to working in partnership with you to provide high quality child care solutions as part of an innovative and retention strategy. ABC Learning Centres Corporate Care.

Peter Lloyd has been sentenced to 10 months in prison in Singapore today on drug-related charges, and as such the ABC's employment relationship with Peter has come to an end. This is due to the fact that Peter is unavailable to work.' 
Trans.  Peter Lloyd has been sent to prison in Singapore and so the ABC has sacked him.

'...they were all sold by the end of the financial year, going forward. Heard by Hal Jacob on "Rural Focus" on Radio West, 24 November 2008. Hal says: ' This phrase makes no sense!  We are not so much going forward here, but going back, hence the word "were".

'The most important thing to do is to make sure that we have a plan for going forward.' The Citigroup Inc Chief Executive, Vikram Pandit. At least he knows there's no use having a plan for the past - see above quote.

Let me say it again: we have architected our business for a high speed broadband world ...
Sol Trujillo, Telstra Investor Day, 6 November 2008 ...'This is not old Telstra any more, it is the new Telstra, highly competitive, highly focussed and very results-driven in terms of what we do ... You're going to hear us talk a little bit and emphasise a little bit today about partnerships because we're doing many innovative things, we're executing many things on our own, but there's also partnerships in the marketplace that are now becoming important, and that are going to be now important in terms of further differentiation, further innovation in terms of how I see this business evolving over the next several years ... You're going to see us continue to leverage the existing assets that we have ... we will let you know if anything changes in terms of how we think about our company going forward ... So you've gotten a view about our strategy, you've got a view from Greg about what we've been doing as an integrated company building this, and then you've heard from John in terms of where we're at, in terms of our plans financially, the view going forward in terms of costs takeout ... You saw the value of an architecture of a strategy that's associated with the front-end, the back-end, and the middle parts of the business.'

Making Strategy: Leveraging Organisational Competencies

• A means of undertaking strategy-making that recognises the time pressures of organisations, as well the need to attend to key stakeholders
• Ways of unlocking potentially under-leveraged competencies and resources, ensuring that they are protected and sustained
• Building a robust and sustainable business model that can be considered, if necessary, against different external forces
  Australian Institute of Management, Western Australia. Thanks to Brian Turner.

'Ford in Australia will 'right-size our business' by 'staff-balancing changes' according to chief executive Marin Burela. ' We would be taking proactive steps in terms of reducing our throughput through our build operations ... In line with the production down-balance we have also taken the opportunity to take a good look strategically where we are, what we're doing and how do we move forward. The Age, 16 October 2008. Thanks to Vanessa.

'800 jobs will be lost as Telstra streamlines its back-end office functions.' Thanks to Mark.

'As I said we're studying that now but we believe that the personnel implications of the down balance will be in the region of 300 to 350 employees.' Sinead McAlary, Ford Australia spokeswoman on ABC radio: 'Ford's plan to cut up to 350 jobs.' Thanks to George O'Farrell.

Enhancements to the performance appraisal scheme

'After a period of review with a reference group of willing volunteers from across the different divisions, a number of important enhancements have been made to the Performance Appraisal process having regard to the feedback received from programs following initial roll out of the scheme in August last year.
The essential features of the scheme are:
· To provide a platform for building the capability of our workforce
- To increase the 'depth of talent' and 'bench strength' of capability for current and emerging workforce requirements
- To enhance work and business performance and productivity by developing skills and behaviours that are essential for current and future success
· To support a performance management culture based on sound workplace relationships that are sustained through routine feedback and communications that embrace both informal, timely conversations and more formal dialogue and annual appraisal. Human Resources manager in a staff e-newsletter. Thanks Craig.

'I think that this is a deal that is value-accretive for both sets of shareholders. After all, both sets of shareholders have to vote on this transaction and we think that given these synergies, both sets of shareholders can have a value-accretive deal here. '
Marius Kloppers, BHP-Billiton CEO, ABC AM, 20 August 2008. Thanks to Dominic Nagle

'Confirming our discussion of earlier today. I am in agreeance with your proposal, and am willing to support the successful conclusion of these works. To this end your team will assume responsibility for scheduling future works to suit production priorities and efficient utilisation of your available resources.' Thanks to Sean who says he thinks the email he received means: ' OK, go ahead'.

'Dear Ms. Chipman,
I note your dissatisfaction and understand your frustration in regard to the issue raised.
Ms. Chipman, I have escalated your concerns to the relevant department for a feedback. Please be assured that you will be contacted at the soonest possible time when a feedback is received.
Your patience and understanding in this matter is highly appreciated.' From Elizabeth Chipman who is confused by this response from Nokia and still without a mobile phone.

'Hence a key threshold activity of the project was to determine what functionality suite would be appropriate to the needs of Victoria and could also be financially justified.' Phil Perry, Principal of Impaq Consulting writing about the rollout in Victoria of 'advanced' electricity meters in the June edition of Metering International. Thanks to Damien Tennent.

'Provide high value management to the Lean Six Sigma Team by developing and maintaining systems and driving Portfolio and Black Belt deliverables necessary to ensure appropriate governance ...Manage and coordinate strategic and tactical processes for the deployment of Lean Six Sigma throughout Asset Management Group to achieve deliverables within the Program ... Optimise the deployment of Lean Six Sigma resources at all levels by effectively managing the mentoring process and its outcomes for Black Belts and Green Belts'
Job advertisement for Program Coordinator Lean Six Sigma at Railcorp NSW. Thanks to Paul Berwick who now understands why the trains don't run on time.

GPS technology is a powerful mechanism that enables our customers to drive new levels of efficiency for their fleets. This partnership provides us with the required, long-term platform to greatly expand our fleet management services, We are confident that our strategic alliance with Navman Wireless will bring superior location-based services to our valued customers ...' Paul Hilder, General Manager and President, Donlen Fleet Management Services. Geoconnexion

We are going to square that circle
Bob Zeitlhofer heard a senior executive level officer repeatedly use this phrase in a meeting. He reckons it means solving problems and should go with another favourite: Square that circle going forward

'Sometimes trends can hide pretty well, and one of Google Analytics' jobs is to make the most actionable trends as apparent as possible so you can surface them to your colleagues and management (and get a promotion). And we realize that most management reporting is done in weekly and monthly time buckets.' Thanks to Jeremy Press

United Mission Statement
'To provide outstanding customer service and products, in which creates United's point of difference to continute with innovative developments of our fuel and retail offer.'
Spotted at Marc's local petrol station.

'Visibility: event signage solutions'

'Those businesses operating grain haulage on rail are just so handicapped by the poor state of the underwheel infrastructure that it's a non profit making operation for them.'
Geoff Nalder from the Victorian Farmers Federation talking about roads. ABC rural radio. Thanks to Mike Fuery

'No ongoing fees is used by Citibank in their brochure for a low-interest rate line of credit offer called 'Readycredit'..  This unscrupulous bank did not charge any ongoing fees as advertised, just one-off fees for whatever amount they chose and whenever they chose.' From an anoymous contributor.

'There is no certainty of outcomes, but if one follows criteria that have a statistically defined probabity of occuring, then when those criteria mesh to create an alert they learn to trust the alert knowing that if they are right, they will enjoy the benefits and if they are wrong they will cut their losses when their exit criteria is alerted.'
From Sharesender, an investment company's media release'

'We are forming this fund to help grow the Facebook application ecosystem.'
Facebook statement regarding its $10 million of grants to anyone interested in building their business on Facebook.
Both quotes reported in The Age ('Crimes of Jargon'). Thanks Tony

'...it has been through a rescheduling process from the previously planned point in time to a later point in time...'
Heard in a meeting - thanks Robert

"Communication at Work: The good, the bad and the downright ugly of AOL's recent layoff announcement."
Robert J. Holland Richmond.com October 30, 2007
Robert Holland writes about a leaked AOL email to staff.

'The e-mail is full of clichés and double-speak. When will corporate executives learn that memos, speeches and other communications filled with jargon don't make them sound smart? "…We fundamentally shifted our business model …," "… We refocused the business around three core areas…," "Realignment of our costs against these three businesses …" These phrases are so overused that employees' eyes glaze over when reading them...

The e-mail is full of euphemisms designed to avoid the word "layoff." "Everyone impacted by this reduction deserves our thanks and respect for their contributions to the company," the memo reads. "This realignment will allow us to increase investment in high-growth areas of the company." ...

Some of the AOL memo is just downright ugly : Falco tries to use a layoff announcement to talk about the company's bright future. What an insult to the employees losing their jobs! He explains that the 20 percent workforce reduction enables growth in other parts of the company – "As an example, we added hundreds of people this year through acquisitions." Falco also looks forward to "a bright future as a company if we can execute on this vision." '
Robert J. Holland Richmond.com

Two weasel words in one job title.
'Estate agents from Run Property management are called relationship executives. Thanks to David in Sydney who comments: 'The "relationships" are between landlords and tenants - not usually that strong a bond. You would think they worked for a dating service.'

'Our core competencies distinguish the company from other service providers and include ... building and maintaining added value partnerships that deliver consistent service quality. These core competencies deliver value for all our stakeholders and enable the company to delight customers.' GSL Australia. Thanks Marc.

'It (this document) covers the components of the current solution at (company). It covers the components of the solution that are necessary to be understood in order to address the scope of work that has been identified.' Thanks Greg Donoghue

'Please cc Promotions Group on a go forward.Thx, Laura' In an email received by M Rowe.

'Boss:  We're getting new business cards printed for you. You'll no longer be an 'account manager'.
Me:  What will I be?
Boss:  A consultant.
Me:  How does my job change?
Boss:  It doesn't. Do exactly whatt you've been doing but charge an extra 15% as a consultancy fee.'
A conversation Joe Hall recently had at work.

'As  XYZ Inc. grows and becomes a leader in the industry, the need for communications becomes even greater. Our customers view our professionalism and ability to deliver, among other things, on how we well communicate our status and commitments to them ... Let's move forward and demonstrate to our customers that we are talented professionals and have pride in what we do. Remember COMMUNICATE.'
Thanks to anonymous

'She is a proven chief executive whose values are closely aligned to the Westpac culture.'
Westpac announces new CEO, Gail from St George. St George announces it doesn't matter to them:
'Importantly we are fortunate to have a talented and experienced executive team at St George that will continue to execute our organic strategy.'
St George Chairman John Thame

Help us to understand Telstra
'Dragons, submarines and savages'

On the recent ABC's Four Corners show 'Tough Calls' – an examination of the new work practices at Telstra and the effect on employees - John Rolland, Executive Director, Telstra Customer Sales & Services, provided viewers with some dazzling examples of the ways corporate language is used to hide and bend the truth, that lying is essential to managerial change, and turning managers like himself into unblinking robots means turning them first into linguistic idiots.

There were too many weasel words from the show to put here so we've attached them as a PDF file. If you would like to comment, please join our forum.

(previous quotes now in a PDF file)

Back to the top