Job Ads/HR (previous quotes in a PDF file)

'This newly created role will have accountability for the development and implementation of Organisational Effectiveness and Talent Development frameworks and initiatives inclusive of Customer-Centric Culture development, Leadership & Management effectiveness, Talent & Capability development and High Performance Teams. The position will be a key enabler in realising the "Culture & Capability" change pillar of our Customer-Centric Transformation.' Thanks to anonymous who thinks this is a job description, but isn't sure. If it is, we want to see the business card.

Knowledge Analyst
Our philosophy at Cordelta is simple; we aim to add value to our clients by providing reliable advice or the delivery of solutions. 
The newly created role of Knowledge Analyst is integral to enhancing the successful growth of our business, in terms of the ongoing internal service capability that it will provide to our consulting teams... It will be your responsibility to capture internal knowledge and information about the work our consultants currently deliver to our clients, and this will assist in leveraging our capability to ensure we harness further business opportunities in the competitive professional services market. Typically you will have 5-7 years professional writing experience as a journalist, columnist, copywriter or freelance writer.' From seek.com. Thanks to Virginia Tressider.

'Lead creative sessions with senior management for project conceptualization and kickoffs
As a strong leader, act as a ‘creative' change agent, a vocal team player, and passionate communicator driving from conceptual ideas through to execution and ongoing maintenance and improvement
Synthesize cross-functional input to identify tradeoffs and make recommendations, balancing capabilities, constraints, and priorities.
Adaptability and change leadership skills with the ability to modify approach as needed, independently create a plan to drive desired outcomes, surface unstated or subtle differences in opinion, make implicit issues explicit, and create shared vision as a team.' Oh my giddy aunt. Job ad for HR Director of a software company based in Australia and America. Found on Linkedin.com by Sally K.

Transcendent Business Education and research for Self and Society
As Australia's newest Faculty of Business, we will utilize transcendent business education to develop a curriculum that weaves wealth and economic creation, high order ideals and professional goals with a desire for the collective improvement of our world.' From a job ad for the Australian Catholic Univeristy Faculty of Business, The  Australian, 10 Feb 2010. Thanks to Maurie Joyce who says: 'Their graduates aren't certain to be succinct writers but will have their hearts in the right place'.

Thought Leader: job title spotted by John Ford who says: 'Sounds like a hypnotist to me. Maybe that is what he has to do.'

'The CIMA qualification has given me the professional framework to add value to any decision making process.' James Bruce FCMA, Unilever. Advertisement in "The Economist- The World in 2010", London 2009. Thanks to Frank Maguire.

Specific requirements shall be definitized in individual Task Orders. A statement of work for the US Veteran's Administration. Thanks to Rand Eller.

Want to work for the Director Future City, Newcastle NSW?
Key challenges for Manager, Strategic Planning Services include:
'* Providing integrated strategic planning and reporting services across a diverse range of planning functions with a strong focus on sustainability.
* providing leadership in the management and development of the integrated planning and reporting framework and strategic planning services underpinned by a customer service ethos.'
And for the Manager, Development & Building Services:
* Providing integrated and customer focused development and services utilising industry based best practice and technological innovation.
* Providing dynamic leadership...' Thanks to Richard Milne who has more horrendous job descriptions on the Jobs Ad page

More job ads from Richard Milne:

A recruitment Agency's advert for a Business Development Manager for a "Blue Chip Multi National" $100K, FMV and Incentives"!.
'This well established, world leading manufacturer is internationally renowned for its dominant market presence and cutting edge new product development . Offering their customers a unique partnership that constantly delivers value benefits they are now poised to consolidate and grow their business.
In this newly created strategic role, you will reporting directly into the National Sales Manager and have accountabilities on specific key performance measures. Your primary focus will be the identification and development of new market opportunities across a range of industries. You will evaluate proposed partnerships and develop business cases for and negotiate contracts with new business targets.
You will be instrumental in the development of new products, services and solutions and will be required to engage multiple stakeholders to drive strategic initiatives
Preferably tertiary qualified, the succcessful candidate will have a proven track record in strategic new business development and selling complex solutions to key stakeholders. You will be highly commercial, with strong analytical capabilities and able to manage robust discussions and high level negotiations. Ideally you will have developed your career in a retailer engagement environment and/or had experience in FMCG or manufacturing'

Head of Property, Sydney Ports" Sydney Ports motto is "First Port Future Port" but sadly not 'vintage port'
'The Head of Property plays plays a critical role in achieving the strategic outcomes of the Corporation. Reporting to the Chief Operating Officer, the Head of Property is responsible for the strategic oversight of the Corporation's substantial property portfolio [valued in excess of $400 m] with a view to ensuring that leases are commercially viable and performance focused, and projects are planned and delivered to schedule and that an effective maintenance program is in place. Importantly the appointee will be responsible for devising and executing the Corporation's Strategic plan for property management, ensuring the vision delivers on commercial and public policy outcomes to support the strategic goals of the Corporation. The role will require extensive stakeholder engagement with lessess, government and community interests."
"In order to succeed in this critical role, the appointee will need to demonstrate a depth of experience in proactively managing a substantial and diversified industrial/commercial property porfolio, coupled with the commercial vision to drive innovative outcomes and solutions. We are seeking an individual with a proven ability to creatively conceptualise viability and long-term value. In depth knowledge of the property market and appreciation of the issues facing commercial landlords and and tenants will be critical, as well as highly developed project management capability, exceptional stakeholder engagement skills and the appetite to contribute to the broader strategic direction of the Corporation."

'XXXXXXX and it's strategic partners and other suppliers may be unable to identify, attract, develop and/or train the right mix of, or sufficient, resources and capabilities adversely impacting the development, delivery and support of strategic priorities and new products or media communications initiatives.' In an email about Human Capital Risks from an HR middle manager. Thanks to James.

'...this position will lead and execute the re-invigoration of client, collection and library services, whilst developing and nurturing senior partnerships across the public and community sector. As a transformational piece, you will possess a creative leadership style coupled with an astute commercial acumen to drive outputs and strategic objectives.' Advertisement for a Library of Queensland director . Thanks to Peter Laing

Duties
General Responsibilities
1) Work as a team member to fulfil requests of stakeholders and clients.
2) Adhere to privacy requirements in accordance with government legislation and policy.
3) Monitor, review and recommend improvements to procedures and processes

Specific Tasks
1) Analyse the request, select and research the relevant information source and prepare the appropriate and consistent response for review and release by the Enquiries Team Leader as required.
2) Exercise sound judgement pertaining to the interpretation of guidelines, regulations, instructions and procedures relating to the release of information.
3) Produce accurate work to a high quality that aims to meet stakeholder expectations in a timely manner.
4) Develop a sound knowledge and understanding of internal resources. Advertisment for Enquiries Team Officer at the Australian Department of Defence. Thanks to Charlie Sanders who says ' don't think I can possibly apply for this role, as I still have no bloody idea what it is!'

'Proactively influences and participates in strategic decision-making on issues when engaging with senior managers and staff to establish long term strategies to determine the future direction for the organisation and their area of accountability.' From an Australian government department's Human Resourses Management team. Thanks to Sandra who says: ' Aside from being so peppered with corporatese it is almost contrived , that second clause is annoyingly tautological. Strategy, after all,  IS a long term direction.'

Knowledge Broker
'In this role you will be responsible for a range of activities including identifying and engaging target audiences, building and maintaining productive relationships with various stakeholders, and providing strategic advice on embedding knowledge and adoption principles and activities in all stages of research.' Thanks to Roy Stall who spotted this job advertisement in Land and Water Australia.

The purpose of the Solution Architect role is to lead strategic design, scoping activities and support the implementation of information solutions that meet organisational plans, needs, and functions, and assure their alignment to enterprise goals and the overall IS architecture. The role has primary responsibility for maintaining and deploying the Enterprise Architecture, with particular emphasis on Technology Infrastructure and the Security Framework.' A position advertised with one of the New Zealand District Health Boards. Thanks to Bill.

'The Information Assurance Architecture Manager reports to the Infrastructure Architecture Manager and will lead a small section taking on architectural and coordination responsibility in the area of Information Assurance and Technical Security.'
A job advertisement at the UK Department of International Development. Thanks to Hal Jacob.

Manages and contributes to the human, physical and financial resources of the area to ensure that appropriate operational standards are achieved and when/where possible, continuously improved.' Job advertisement on the Fire & Emergency Services Authority website. Thanks to Charlie Myres who comments: 'It appears that having now discovered that "continuous improvement" is impossible and therefore very weasely, the authors have decided to quantify the impossible, by making "continously" to sometimes mean not continuous!'

What does this person do?

'The Design Leverage Director will be an important, contributing member of the senior management team and will have accountability for leading the integration of design thinking across the organisation, aligning design principles with business strategies that enhance operational performance and fostering a collaborative, innovative culture that generates creative solutions ... In essence, the Director will champion design as an agent for change, innovation and collaboration.' Thanks to Bill Parker who told us about this government job ad spotted by Christian Kerr from Crikey. You can read the rest of the stodge here: Corporate Project Office, Australian Customs Office

Bill sought clarification and here it is:

'Dear Bill, Thank you for your email. I appreciate that our advertisement for this particular role was ambiguous. Essentially, this is a new role for Customs at the Senior Executive level and is a role that will require the incumbent to use design theory and design thinking as an agent for organisational and cultural change and will champion best practice project management processes and procedures in a complex environment.
We are looking for someone with a proven record in leading strategic change management and project management initiatives in large, complex organisations, coupled with outstanding relationship management skills. Tertiary qualifications in creative design, that is graphic, industrial, architecture or the like, are also highly desirable.'
Bill has also had a bit of fun with weasel words. Read 'Are you with me yet?' on our Now We Understand page.

Continuous Improvement Facilitator
BHP Job ad spotted by Charlie who says 'The description was so full of weasel words it was hard to understand what the role involved - other than the practically impossible of course!'

'... you will govern the strategic planning of the 'F Block' project and be responsible for driving the commercial deliverables of the project development phase via management and co-ordination of a multi-disciplinary team.'
Job ad for 'East Browse Business Opportunity Manager Senior Leadership Role' at Shell. Ad was headed 'Ideas people wanted.' Thanks Graham.

'The product is a high-capacity platform that achieves linear scalability, extreme fault tolerance and executes across commodity infrastructure.'
Job ad spotted by Geoff Holmes who says ' I have worked in IT for 25 years and have no idea what it means.'

'Your mandate is to leverage your clear, insightful understanding of operational performance into the implementation of practical initiatives that improve business outcomes.'
Job ad at Chandler Macleod (thanks to Bryn Town)

Senior Functional Analyst
Job title sent in by Michael Clarebrough. 

'Inclusion Support Facilitator'
A job ad spotted by Charlie Myres who has no idea what the job is - neither do we.

'Does the candidate have proficiency in managing negative stakeholders impacting her own workplace situation ?'
Thanks to Hugh Fraser who was asked this question by someone at Ernst & Young doing a reference check.
Hugh says: ' I think what was asked is how she got along with people who didn't like her, or were there any people that didn't like her.  Alas, I was unable to provide a meaningful data rich interviewee response behaviour to this'.

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT TO THE EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, OFFICE OF THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE
Job title spied by Nicola Stratford in the South Australian Public Notices

'Reporting to the Director, Human Capital, you will leverage your background in selection and workforce planning to translate our business strategy into our people strategy to ensure that we have the 'A players' in the right roles with the right skills at the right time.'
Job ad: Manager, Human Capital at CareerBeacon.com.Thanks to Mike Dominic who says 'This is a job opportunity that seems to just scream, "We don't know what we're doing!  Fleece us!"'. Read more of Mike's comments on his blog.

Sobeys' new Human Capital Department has been created to design, develop, enhance and execute talent acquisitions strategies that facilitate and support a high performance culture.
See above.

'My client is a global player in their field and as such they are truly looking for the best of the best caliber candidates for this role and their company. This role involves conducting research on key verticals and identifying and contacting key players within that particular space.'
Job ad for a 'Cool and Funky Conference Producer / People Seeker', Time Recruitment (thanks to anonymous)

To see a flow chart gone mad - view the 2nd page of a job ad from the University of Melbourne here.

Social Role Valorization (SRV) is a high-level service and relationship theory based on empirical knowledge for the design and rendering of both formal and informal services and relationships to any kind of people with any kind of need or condition, but especially those who are devalued or at risk there of. '
Thanks to Dianne who came across SRV in a job description. Wondering what it meant she surfed the net and found this explanation. Dianne adds 'Try reading this without drawing breath.'

'There will be an update on the resourcing and commitment to career development and the development stage of career development. To re-position the evolution of the career development framework and the provision of a dedicated resource, the process of research to deliver a comprehensive program with comprehensive tools. This being based on stakeholder input and feedback from senior managers and staff (past focus groups) and prioritising needs of the business and available resources (funds).' Sensis 'Career Development PC Scoping Document'. March 2003 (anonymous contribution)

'Excellent interpersonal skills, including a sense of humility.' IT Director qualification'. From F Adams who says 'IT Director comes with pre-installed humility - no need to be humiliated on this job, it's already been done!!!!'

(previous quotes in a PDF file)

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